Although we often think of women when we think of infertility, men experience the effects of infertility, too. In some cases, they are the ones who are experiencing infertility physically, but even when they are not, there still is a very real suffering that men undergo.

I recently had the opportunity to sit down and chat with Fr. Charles Samson about infertility. Fr. Samson is a priest of the Archdiocese of St. Louis, as well as a professor at Kenrick-Glennon Seminary who specializes in Scripture. One of the topics he weighed in on was the unique, hidden experience of men in infertility.

“I definitely do have a heart for many of my friends, who have experienced infertility of some sort in their own marriage,” Fr. Samson shared. “One common thread I hear through many of it – as a priest – I hear them say to me, when they share their pain, that there’s a hiddenness to it.”

This hiddenness is often experienced by both members of the couple, and I talked to Fr. Samson about how he encourages couples who feel that their suffering is hidden.

“One thing that I always try to reflect with them on is an image that comes from the sixth chapter of Matthew’s Gospel, that three times Jesus says to the disciples… ‘Your Father who sees in secret will repay you.,’” Fr. Samson replied. “And there’s something so consoling about that, that even if people don’t see the suffering you undergo – in some way, that’s inevitable – there is someone who does…there is something of that that applies especially to couples who are suffering silently and hiddenly, and I think that what is redeeming about that is that that suffering can itself be fruitful.”

Although both members of a couple experience unseen suffering, men also experience a particular kind of helplessness that they can’t “fix” the problem of infertility for their wives. But is there anything that men can do, to help their wives and re-direct their desire to do something? Fr. Samson thinks so.

“I encourage the men that I know that are going [through] this, ‘Articulate your feelings. Express them, and name them, because your sufferings matter, too, and your experience of this is important. Not only for your own sake, but because of your mission in the marriage – that you are meant to be a sustainer, one who holds up his wife, like Paul says…I encourage the men to discern and think about how they can be that source of stability and security.”

What are some ways that men can be that source of stability? Fr. Samson suggests men remember that they can speak works of hope into a seemingly hopeless situation.

“Very often that means that men – yes, we are task-oriented…I encourage them that they can be a reminder to their wives, especially in the really visceral and raw moments, ‘We know that God is with us. We know that this is for a purpose. Let’s not lose track or sight of that hope.’”

When faced with the suffering of his loved ones, it can be hard to be that support. In this year of St. Joseph, does this saint have any encouragement to offer men facing the suffering of infertility in their marriages? Fr. Samson frames the story of St. Joseph as an example of needing to be flexible in response to God’s call in our lives and our marriages.

“I would say that the example of St. Joseph can help men who are undergoing and experiencing infertility by…giving them an example how to re-calibrate their drive “to do.” Because, indeed, you can’t “fix it” …but that doesn’t mean there aren’t things that you [can] do. And many of those things that you can do are what Paul says in Romans 12, of “anticipate each other in showing respect.” Be extra thoughtful of your wife, in ways that you, perhaps, haven’t. More gestures, more words of affections. Even just turning up…and sitting with her, a little bit more.”

So, in the end, is it wrong for men to want to “do” things to help their wives navigate this suffering more smoothly? Fr. Samson counters that it isn’t a matter of not doing, but rather shifting what it is that is done.

“I would tell [husbands] don’t suppress that desire to do stuff – adjust and re-calibrate. I think that’s what St. Joseph had to do. He had to re-calibrate a lot!”

For the full interview with Fr. Samson, visit our Facebook page.