By Fr. Thomas Lugge

Homily Contest Winner 2022

Reading: Col 3:12-21:

“Wives, be subordinate to your husbands. Husbands, love your wives.” If there’s one reading in the New Testament that could be said to be hated, this might just be it. But, to understand exactly what Paul is getting at, we have to read it in the context of the rest of the reading. Specifically, earlier in this reading, St. Paul says, “Over everything else, put on LOVE,” or in Greek, “AGAPE.” Agape love is the central point that St. Paul is making in this reading today.

But, what is agape love? Well, I think that it’s best described by using Jesus’ own words in the Gospel of John: “Greater love—greater agape—has no one than this, that a person lays down his life for his friends.” Agape love is simply the desire and choice to lay down your life for another. This is the love that motivated Jesus to lay down his life for us on the cross. As THE GREAT SIGN of the mystery of Christ and the Church, then, married couples are called to this self-giving love toward each other in a special way, They’re meant to be a sign to the world of how Jesus lays down his life for us, and how we give ourselves back to him in return.

When St. Paul calls for wives to be subordinate to their husbands, then, THIS IS WHAT HE MEANS. He is saying that, in marriage, a wife ought to give her whole self to her husband—heart, mind, and soul. She’s called to look out for the good, happiness, and fulfillment of her husband over herself. However, St. Paul then goes on to say the same about her husband! He says, husbands, “agape your wives.” Love your wives as Christ loves the Church and GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER on the cross.

This mutual self-giving is the paradox in our very being of what we call the “law of the gift.” This is the fact that my being is enhanced to the measure that I give myself to another in this love. This is true in marriage; it is true in the clergy and in single life when we give our lives to God and his Church. It’s true for ALL of us in our very being. We’re made for self-giving love, and so we GET when we GIVE. The devil’s trap, then, is to get us to focus ppm what WE get or how I feel. However, love is about giving my whole self for the good of the one I love.

Again, this is true for ALL of us, but it’s probably the most visible in marriage. God created marriage to be the image of his self-giving love for the Church. He gave himself for us to fill us with his love and life. In marriage, spouses are also called to this love-giving and life-giving. This is engrained not just in our souls, but also in our bodies.

When we act with our bodies, it says something to the other person. In the marital embrace, then, spouses tell each other with their bodies how much they love them. They are saying: “you are worthy to receive the gift of my whole self. I trust you and I love you. You are God’s gift to ME.” Spouses are doing an action that is intended in how we are made not just to give love, but also life. It says, “I love you so much, that I am willing to spend the rest of my life with you on a mission to raise children.” “I love you so much that I’m doing an act that could create a person who has never existed before and will exist FOREVER afterward.”

On the other hand, we live in a culture that is trying to separate these life-giving and love-giving dimensions. It says that it’s perfectly acceptable to engage in the act that says those things about total self-gift, while also doing an action that intentionally holds something back. The problem is that, instead of telling the other how much they are loved and how they are worth, it is rejecting a part of the other, right? It is saying, “I want to accept your whole person, but I’m not going to.” “There is a part of who you are and how you were created that I don’t want.” “You are not worthy of me giving you my whole self.”

Even when the attempt is to try to increase love through this act, the result is that it slowly degrades the love between the couple, whether they notice or not. It lowers our self-mastery, and wounds trust. Our culture has told us for the past 50+ years that contraception is the miracle that we’ve been waiting for. But, look around: where are all the happy marriages?

Now, I want to be clear: while children are a great gift and we should always have a spirit of generosity and receptivity to God’s gift, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t reasonably and prayerfully consider whether now is the right time. Sometimes, whether it’s economical, health, psychological, or some other reason, now might be the right time for a couple to conceive. However, the means by which a couple avoids conception is of incredible importance.

The good news is that God has designed us in such a way that we are not always fertile. In reality, the couple is mostly infertile. Natural Family Planning is a broad term that basically means keeping track of when the couple is fertile and infertile. If the couple is trying to avoid conception, they will not choose the marital act during that fertile period. This idea of NFP is totally different from contraception though. Instead of engaging in the martial act and doing a second act to reject a part of their other, they are simply waiting to come together until they can authentically show their love and self-gift in that way. Instead of doing an act that tells the other that they are not a worthy gift or worthy to receive the gift of the other, they find other ways during that period of fertility to express their love and recognize the great dignity that the other has in their person: including their fertility.

Now, there’s a common misconception that NFP is just “guessing: or not really effective. However, there are several methods of NFP that have done tons of research and are incredibly effective at avoiding pregnancy. The Creighton Model Fertility Care System is one of the best with typical use effectiveness in spacing births of 96.8%, which is equal to or higher than basically all types of contraception. It’s simple, follows God’s plan for marriage and sexuality, and increases communication and love between the couples. One of the great things about the Creighton Model specifically is the attention and care the couples can receive through the availability of follow up meetings and individual help.

One incredibly heavy cross opposite of this, though. Many have an incredible holy desire for children but suffer from infertility. While not perfect, the Creighton Model is also an incredible tool for helping couples to achieve pregnancy. Through Natural Reproductive Technology, or NaProTechnology, many couples that carry this cross can find a way to aid in fertility that is in line with God’s plan for love and life within marriage. Likewise, this NaProTechnology is incredible for predicting, finding, and even fixing other women’s health problems.

Again, this is not something that an iPhone app developer invented yesterday. Rather, the St. Pope Paul VI institute has been researching and developing this method for almost 40 years, and the fruits of their labors and diligence can be seen in its effectiveness, and in the countless women and couples that they have helped over the years.

As we continue with Mass, then, let’s thank God for the wisdom with which he made us and the understanding that he has enabled us to have our nature. Let’s ask him to care for those who suffer from any sort of difficulties in their marriages, especially those who bear the cross of infertility. Finally, let’s ask him to give us a greater sense of the dignity that he created us with, the love that HE gives to US and that we are called to share.