By Amanda Dailey

*Disclaimer: The following post may be difficult for some to read regarding the topic of mental health. Note, this post is not intended to provide medical advice or professional services, it is solely informational. Please seek the guidance of your doctor or other qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition.

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We’re going on a bear hunt.
We’re going to catch a big one.
What a beautiful day!
We’re not scared.

We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh no!
We’ve got to go through it!

These are the famous lines from one of my kiddos’ favorite books, We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury. As I was driving in the car the other day, these words came to mind, and I had an “aha” moment. “We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to go through it.” Who knew a book I’ve read to my kids a hundred times would carry a truth I’ve discovered personally through my pregnancy and postpartum journey with anxiety and depression over the last 2+ years?

My husband, Sean, and I have used Natural Family Planning (NFP) from the start of our marriage. Many people close to me know that I love talking about NFP and sharing the good news of it to everyone and anyone who will listen. NFP has undoubtedly made our marriage stronger, especially through times of struggle. Early in our marriage, Sean and I used NFP to achieve pregnancy. We were blessed with three kids successively in 2017, 2018, and 2019. We decided to space our 4th child a little further apart, so we started to use NFP to avoid pregnancy for a time. We switched NFP methods, and we learned the power and struggle of extended periods of abstinence and what that looks like put into practice. Looking back now, I am more appreciative of what NFP has to offer couples and all it has taught us thus far in our marriage. The gifts we have received in communication and self-mastery prepared us for the journey I detail below.

In this blog post, and the ones to come, I hope to share my husband and I’s story; our journey in identifying, battling, and healing from my mental health struggles. I write with the following objectives:

1) To give glory to God and to share the beauty of redemptive suffering. I am to remind the reader that no matter what life brings, especially in regards to family life: pregnancy loss, infertility, postpartum depression, etc., we do not suffer alone. Christ walks with us, and so do the people around us. If we surrender our suffering over to Jesus, He will use it for the good of other souls.
2) To bring awareness to mental health struggles that can occur in pregnancy, postpartum, and onwards, and to provide resources for the healing journey. My husband and I pray our family’s story can help other women, other couples, other families, find their own “little ways” to sainthood by identifying and seeking the necessary help to address mental health concerns, rooting out stigma, shame, fear, and judgment.
3) To share the beauty of Natural Family Planning and our Catholic Church’s teaching on marriage and family life. And finally, to expound upon what responsible parenthood means in discerning a growing family.

And so, I begin with our story…

DEPRESSION. A word I would never have dreamed of putting alongside my name. Just thinking about it stings a bit. Gratefully, it stings a lot less than it did when my journey with mental health started in the fall of 2021. It all came to a head on a Tuesday morning in December. I’ll never forget the day for the rest of my life, and the feeling I had deep in my soul. At this point, I was 8 months pregnant with our fourth child, a girl. Over the months leading up to December 14th, I had been having panic attacks, bouts of anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and worries about things that would not normally upset me: are the kids’ windows locked each night? Do I have undiagnosed cancer that is going to get me? Am I going to get COVID during my pregnancy and die? The list could go on and on. The worries were most definitely interfering with my daily life. Despite this internal battle with my thoughts, I just kept powering through, as a mom of 3 small children with one on the way does.

The morning of Tuesday, December 14th, I went over to a dear friend’s house for coffee with our youngest son while our two oldest were both at school. She noticed I was a bit quiet and asked, “Are you just nervous at the prospect of having another baby to take care of?” I burst into tears immediately. My friend who is like another mom to me, who has known me my whole life, put into words what my body and my mind were feeling the last few months, but would never dare speak aloud. I truly could not wait to meet our baby girl, but I was worn out and scared at the prospect of being a stay-at-home mom to 4 kids all under the age of 5 years old. I had never voiced this to anyone, but in a roundabout way my body had been telling me this the last few months through physical symptoms, panic attacks, and racing thoughts.

I went home after our coffee visit and could not stop crying. I kept repeating a Scripture verse in my head. I love to journal with the daily readings each day. Being a mom, I have struggled to prioritize this time with the Lord, but at this time I was doing it pretty consistently. One of the readings a few days prior was from Isaiah. I had written it down in my journal, and I felt a deep connection to it: “Fear not, I will help you” (Isaiah 41:10). The week leading up to this pivotal Tuesday, I was saying the Scripture verse over and over to myself. Well, Tuesday, December 14th, 2021, Jesus did help me in a very concrete way.

I did what all people in this world do now, I googled how I was feeling…pregnant, crying lots, racing heartbeat, anxious. One of the first things that popped up was an article on depression during pregnancy. It suggested taking a depression screening. So, that’s what I did. I took the quick questionnaire just to prove to myself and this “dumb” questionnaire that, nah, that is not what I have, but nice try. To my disappointment, the results were in bold letters: you are exhibiting symptoms of DEPRESSION, talk to your healthcare provider. I was crushed! What? That is not me. Amanda and depression, no way! I am joyful, everyone knows that!

So, I called a dear friend who had young children too, and I asked her about her motherhood; have you had bouts of crying all the time and feelings of anxiety? She said she had felt overwhelmed at times. She coached me and encouraged me in my motherhood, and said she was there with me and was praying for me. Then, she remembered something she had been meaning to tell me for a couple weeks now. During their family’s prayer time each night, one of their young children had been saying to the family, “We need to pray for Mrs. Dailey”. My friend emphasized to me that her daughter was insistent and asked the family to remember me night after night for the last 2 weeks in prayer. She said to me, “Amanda, I know you know our daughter, but it’s not like you see her all that often, maybe at the occasional playdate, after Mass, etc. Isn’t it crazy that she thought of you, of all the people in the world, to pray for?” In that moment, I knew it wasn’t random, to me that was the sign I needed from the Lord to reach out for help.

I hung up the phone with my friend, went to unload some dishes from the dishwasher, and I got this feeling in my soul unlike I have never felt before: You cannot be alone with yourself and your thoughts in this house. What if you harm yourself? I could not escape the fear and terror I felt. So, I called my Dad at work. He is an OB-GYN, one of the Natural Family Planning OB’s in the area. I couldn’t get through to him because he was seeing patients, so I texted him asking me to call him over his lunch. Half an hour later he called me, I burst into tears on the phone and blurted out, “Dad, I am scared, I am anxious, I don’t feel like myself, I think there is something wrong. I am scared I am going to hurt myself.” He was very calm on the phone, a trait I did not inherit from him – ha! He seemed unphased and said to get a drink of water, have something to eat, you are not going to hurt yourself. I said “ok”, and we hung up. He’d call me back in a bit to check in. Little did I know, he got on the other line with my Mom and told her to come to my house immediately. She was spending the day with my aunt. They came over, brought lunch, and got our boys settled while I set the table. I had picked up our son from preschool right before they came over. After the boys went down for a nap, and we had finished eating, my mom asked me how I was doing. Again, I started crying. She then asked, “Have you thought of harming yourself?” I looked at her with immense shame and said, “Yes.”

It was then that the journey began for me. My mom called my husband, Sean, to come home as soon as possible from work, my OB-GYN got me in to see a psychiatrist colleague the next day, and our families and friends rallied around us.

I went into the privacy of our bedroom to process all that had happened. As I said, I was filled with shame, embarrassment, and just despair. How did I get here? Why would I think those things, of harming myself? I have a beautiful marriage, an incredible husband, I get to stay home, I have three blessings with one on the way, an awesome support system through my faith, family, and friends—this does not make sense. I called one of my lifelong friends and told her what had happened. She had shared with me over the last couple months that she had struggled with postpartum anxiety as well. She cried on the phone with me and told me she understood how I was feeling and that it would be okay.

My best friend was right, all would be okay. Over the last 24 months, I have been on a journey of suffering and health with myself, Jesus, my husband, my kids, my family and friends, and strangers too. Thanks to my pastor, I have come to Name my anxiety, OCD, and depression for what it is, Claim It as mine but not as something that defines me – I am a child of God – and Tame It – so what, who cares, I have mental health struggles? This is part of my journey toward heaven, God-willing, and I will allow the Lord to use it for good, to sanctify me, and to bring souls around me to Jesus.

As the children’s book says, “We’ve got to go through it!” Even though the last 2 years have been filled with much darkness and suffering, I am truly grateful for this journey. I would not change it for anything. As my therapist has taught me, “This happened FOR me, not TO me.” Our crosses draw us closer to Jesus and allow us to suffer with each other. If we allow it, our crosses can help souls meet Jesus too in a deep way.

I can’t go over my mental struggle.
I can’t go under it.
Oh no!
I’ve got to go through it!

I will walk through my anxiety/OCD/depression, I will not suppress it, I will not ignore it anymore, I will not be silent, I will not let my own pride and shame hold me back from getting the help I need. Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything! Trust me, He will. I do not walk through it alone: I have my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my parish family, my care team, and most importantly, my faith. And for anyone out there struggling, you too can ask for help and get the support and healing the Lord desires to give you.

Venerable Fulton Sheen once said, “The great tragedy of the world is not what people suffer, but how much they miss when they suffer. Nothing is quite as depressing as wasted pain, agony without an ultimate meaning or purpose.” In the new year ahead, may we all try to offer our sufferings, big or small, to Jesus to use for good.

Be assured that Jesus will walk with you each step of the way. “We are not to flee nor to grieve in the time of darkness since from the darkness LIGHT is born” (St. Catherine of Siena). Let the light in, let the healing begin. As my Mom always reminds us, “Blessed Mother, shine light on darkness”.

Part II coming next month, detailing Amanda’s experience after the birth of their daughter.

Resources:

• Begin by telling someone that you need help: your spouse, your physician, your parents, your friends, etc.
• Dr. Kimberly Rachel Brandt, DO – Mercy Clinic Maternal and Fetal Medicine, Perinatal Psychiatry – by referral only, (314) 991-5000
• Mercy’s Mother Baby Intensive Outpatient Program – (314) 251-0555
• Mensah Medical – a medical practice dedicated to “Orthomolecular medicine, which is based on the science of your bioindividuality. It is a natural approach to addressing your health by identifying the root cause of your condition and treatment using Advanced Nutrient Therapy.”
• Walsh Research Institute – Founded by Dr. William J. Walsh, PhD, FACN, creator of the Walsh Protocol with a mission “to bring the benefits of advanced biochemical therapy to millions of persons challenged by ADHD, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety, clinical depression, behavior disorders, autism, and neurodegenerative disorders.
• Book, Nutrient Power: Heal Your Biochemistry and Heal Your Brain by Dr. William J. Walsh, PhD, FACN (Dr. Walsh now “directs physician and practitioner-training programs internationally including in the United States, Australia, Ireland and Norway. Over 1,000 physicians and medical practitioners have attended a Walsh Research Institute Workshop.”)
• The Philomena Project – After her experience with perinatal anxiety, OCD, and depression, Amanda and her husband Sean are working to launch a ministry for women and their families. Named for their daughter Philomena Grace and in honor of St. Philomena, they have a mission to uncover the root causes of women’s mental health struggles, empowering each woman of God to live a life of grace, hope, and peace. More to come in 2024!

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